I grew up in a single parent household. Only Mom. No Dad.
…I honestly never thought about it…until I got to middle school. An invitation came in the mail in 6th grade for the Father/Daughter Bullroast and then it hit me, that I didn’t have a father! At this point I was 11 years old, I knew my paternal grandparents and Aunt…I knew I had sisters…but the sperm donor was still an mystery to me. I had only laid my eyes on him one time. All my life I grew up hearing “You look just like your father.” My thought was always “thats great,” but it meant nothing to me because I could not connect with him.
About 5 years ago, I was able to final make a connection to my sisters via Facebook of all places. I mean Facebook really does change lives. I grew up with my brother, but I always wanted sisters. It was awful knowing that you have sisters but you can not do anything about it. Its great to finally have a relationship with them, but there is still an elephant in our relationship — our their father. When we talk there is no mention of him. We have two different perspectives of one man. I never bring him up because I respect that he is their father.
The very thing that allowed me to develop a relationship with my sisters is the very thing that is haunting me now. Our Their father is now the big elephant in my digital space. His name appeared in my notifications today and I turned my iPhone off. Just the appearance of his name two people below me on the comment section of my sister’s picture freaked me out!!!
Did he click on my name? Did he look at my profile? Did he think my profile picture was beautiful? Or did he simply ignore the digital me, like he has the real me?! Almost 26 years and counting…
A
Wow,we spoke of this before albeit breifly but I wholeheartedly understand where you are coming from and why that would freak you out.
ReplyDeleteI guess now you have to decide what YOU want to do with said elephant and that is entirely YOUR descision.
Of course I post on the deep stuff lol
-Alexis
Yea the elephant is getting larger and larger!!!!
ReplyDeleteJeez, A! Thats a tough one. If it makes you feel better, a friend of my had an elephant like this in the room, and she found out that her elephant died before she mustered up the courage to ask questions or probe into why. Although it is your decision, I would highly encourage you to ask the questions you are dying to ask before you no longer have the opportunity.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I should say after her elephant died, she did meet siblings, aunts/uncles and a grandmother she never knew and is now getting the information she wish she always had, but its from a third party.
ReplyDeleteWow very honest and moving post!!! Things will happen...maybe he doesn't know how to go around his guilt and reach out to you!!! Just a thought...
ReplyDelete