Turning Point?!?!

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about my “Daddy Issues.” It is my favorite post out of all of my rants on EOTM, as it was the most honest thing I have ever written. Over my 26 years, I never allowed myself to openly feel much about my father. I refused to allow myself to cry, laugh, think, wonder, or ponder about a person I did not know. However, I secretly wished for the acknowledgement from this person I did not know. That’s all I ever wanted.

On February 18^th, I got to stop wishing. It was a whole day of first for me that included my father. It was the first time I had a conversation with him since I was nine years old, which just happened to be the first time I met him. Friday, February 18th was the first time we took a picture together, the first time I heard him say my name, the first time we shared a drink together, yet more importantly -- the first time he verbally acknowledge that I was his child or at least the first time that I heard it. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck for part of that day, well really all day. I was a big ball of emotions ranging from happy to elated to confused, all at the same time.

I don’t know what happens now with my father, not sure if I can google how to develop a relationship with your father. Honestly, it really would be nice if I could. I have no idea what I am doing here, lol! I never have had a father. However, I am open and receptive to wherever this path takes me. This is a turning point, my moment in life…

A

No Love for Cupid

It’s the first day February--a month full of holidays. This month is dedicated to Black History, Parent Leadership, and National Bird Feeding (Hey, this is what Google is for. lol). In February, we celebrate Groundhog’s Day, President’s Day, and sometimes even a leap year. However, the granddaddy of all February holidays is Valentine’s Day. For the next 14 days lovers will be wracking their brains trying to come up with clever gifts, and ideas for romantic gestures to show their love for one another. WOMP!

When I was younger, I loved Valentine’s Day. You would go to school and make V-day cards; and all your classmates would give out lollipops, Lifesaver’s cards, candy necklaces, and those nasty chalky heart-shaped candies with the sayings on them.  Ahh, those were the good ole days. By the time I got to high school, it was all about who received a singing valentine from Route 87, or who received carnations from a guy at the boys’ school. No longer was everyone included in the “celebration of love”. :(

This post is not coming from a bitter single girl, but from someone who longs for more. Romance, love and affection are great, but Valentine’s Day is not! I would rather not impose the pressure of Valentine’s Day on whoever I am in love with. The actions associated with February 14th have become more ritualistic than genuine expressions of love. Why not engage in a random act of love on July 23rd or September 16th and without spending hundreds of dollars on dinner, flowers, and perfume? That would be a much more thoughtful gesture to show your mate that he or she is appreciated. Valentine’s Day is only one day; what about the other 364 days?!

Just a thought…

A

Happy Birthday Langston Hughes!

To my surprise my favorite poet, Langston Hughes was trending worldwide today on Twitter. Langston Hughes was born February 1, 1902 -- what a wonderful start to Black History Month. Listed below are two of my favorite poems:

Still Here

I been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
   Snow has friz me,
   Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
   Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
   But I don't care!
   I'm still here!

Dream Variations

To fling my arms wide
In some place of the sun,
To whirl and to dance
Till the white day is done.
Then rest at cool evening
Beneath a tall tree
While night comes on gently,
    Dark like me--
That is my dream!

To fling my arms wide
In the face of the sun,
Dance!  Whirl!  Whirl!
Till the quick day is done.
Rest at pale evening . . .
A tall, slim tree . . .
Night coming tenderly
    Black like me.

Today's Random Ass Thoughts

It sucks wanting more for someone else when they have no interest in putting forth the effort to get there...like what are you aspirations, goals, etc...I am still in training after seven months, yes seven...I can not take it anymore...I am so over this whole thing...I just need to be out...one more month to go...but then I will be required to work and after eight months of not working, its going to be tough...in good news I only have two more semesters left of grad school...PRAISE THE LORD...however the crazy in me is thinking "hmmm it wasnt that bad, maybe another degree wouldnt be that bad"...I am talking crazy...however I am working on my 5 year skelton...

 

...I'll worry about adding the meat to it as I go! :)

 

The Question I Asked Myself

On Christmas morning, I woke up to text and tweets that my little sister who is four, yes four, years younger than me just said yes to her boyfriend's proposal. There it was -- my little sister was getting married. Immediately I was happy and estactic for her!!! I mean what girl doesn't want to get married? All girls want to get married, right?! Right?!

With the recent engagement of my sister and a friend from high school, it has left me examining what I really want. Like, do I really want this because I genuinely want this? Or do I want it because everyone else around me does and they are constantly and consistently working on obtaining it? I am at the age, where all of my friends are slowly preparing themselves to make this transition. I still don't have an answer to this. However, I have made the determination that marriage is like college -- it isn't for everyone. I am okay with me not being obsessed with finding it, but at the same time I am not going to close myself off to the possibility of marriage either.

But I am glad I had the conversation with myself...

A

All of the Lights

I am in training class, with my iPod in…days like this I thank God for big hair to cover my ears! :) One of my favorite Yeezy songs came on…as I listened to my girl Rihanna “sing” the chorus, the words struck a chord.

“Turn up the lights in here baby extra bright, I want y’all to see this turn up the lights in here, baby…want you to see everything Want you to see all of the lights…”

It appears that this has become the mantra of a few of my close friends. Recently K, KJ, and A have all been turning the lights on extra bright for me. They all have recently been offering their perspectives on a current situation. I am not discounting anything that they are saying. In fact, I believe and already know everything that they are saying to be true, I was just ignoring it. I am not ready to walk away, even though I know I should and need to. Being the true Sag girl that I am, when I am ready I will do it and it will be over! That simple.

I am truly grateful and appreciative that I have friends who are not afraid to “turn up the lights” on me when I need it. Their actions highlighted something I wasn’t ready to admit or walk away from. I am still not ready to…not sure when I will be. But it is nice to know that when I am walking a path with my eyes wide shut, my friends are right behind me “turning on all of the lights.”

A

The BIG Elephant in the Room has Gone Digital

I grew up in a single parent household. Only Mom. No Dad. 

…I honestly never thought about it…until I got to middle school. An invitation came in the mail in 6th grade for the Father/Daughter Bullroast and then it hit me, that I didn’t have a father! At this point I was 11 years old, I knew my paternal grandparents and Aunt…I knew I had sisters…but the sperm donor was still an mystery to me. I had only laid my eyes on him one time. All my life I grew up hearing “You look just like your father.” My thought was always “thats great,” but it meant nothing to me because I could not connect with him. 

About 5 years ago, I was able to final make a connection to my sisters via Facebook of all places. I mean Facebook really does change lives. I grew up with my brother, but I always wanted sisters. It was awful knowing that you have sisters but you can not do anything about it. Its great to finally have a relationship with them, but there is still an elephant in our relationship — our their father. When we talk there is no mention of him. We have two different perspectives of one man. I never bring him up because I respect that he is their father. 

The very thing that allowed me to develop a relationship with my sisters is the very thing that is haunting me now. Our Their father is now the big elephant in my digital space. His name appeared in my notifications today and I turned my iPhone off. Just the appearance of his name two people below me on the comment section of my sister’s picture freaked me out!!! 

Did he click on my name? Did he look at my profile? Did he think my profile picture was beautiful? Or did he simply ignore the digital me, like he has the real me?! Almost 26 years and counting…

A